my mental health check

how did eye find myself sitting in the waiting room on the 2nd Floor of Grady's Outpatient Behavior Health Center? simply, by self-checking. extensively, by being fed up with not knowing if my maternal grandmother really suffered from Schizophrenia or Bipolar (the story always seemed to chainge) in the midst of being fed up with how "friends" or lack thereof were taking advantage of my heart drizzled with a lotta bit of anger, frustration, shame, and disappointment of my past that eye just hadn't settled with and let go of. 

the process of even getting into their system, excruciating. you most certainly have GOTS to have the sure will and power of bettering yourself in order to make it through the gates of being a patient. operating hours may start at 8am but if you want to be seen by a psychiatrist that same day you should probably arrive by 7:30am, be prepared to wait in registration for about 4 hours, my initial assessment didn't start until after 12pm. by this time parking meter? stomach meter? all empty & of course the parking close by is about $12 for anything more than 2 hours, yeah. so after the initial assessment, and only after the initial assessment are you told your chances of seeing a doctor and getting medicine (which eye've now gathered is the reason they assume most people come in for) wouldn't be until maybe 3 or 4pm and that you may need to come back the next day, oh the fun.

eye remember this day exactly because eye had an interview scheduled for 3:30 and eye sat with my anxiety skyrocketing as eye tried to decide if going on the interview which eye needed desperately was more important than my mental state. eye stayed; eye called the restaurant manager and thankfully she needed to reschedule as well, she never called back. what i'm starting to gather almost two months into my treatment is that mental health is just as "off-putting" as being in your third trimester of pregnancy and trying to look for a job. while many employers speak of equal opportunity, they fail to practice it. #policychange4amurdericaplz

so eye got through the excruciatingly long onboarding process, eye started going to anger management groups (which seemed funny to everyone in my circle who eye shared the update with because they know my delicate ways lol), eye got a chance to speak with a psychiatrist & after only hearing a short blurb about my past he diagnosed me with Major Depression Disorder got sold on to Mirtazapine because it "will help you sleep and eat" and was told to call back in four weeks were eye would then get my individual psychiatrist. 

ha, now anyone who knows my soul knows working is not a hard thing for me. eye actually need to be doing something to balance all these ideas and activities eye see fit for my life. but the truth for me especially being a night owl was that these pills (& eye truly despise the world of pharmacy, sorry not sorry) just made it a LOT more debilitating than it was already becoming trying to make group sessions and parking fees work into a picture it wasn't made for. eye panicked more as eye just couldn't see how in the world any job would work with me, as eye couldn't get out of the bed until 10 am. & oddly enough, this was the LIFE eye loved 7 months before as a private nanny, but eye had control over it then. & more days than none eye pushed myself to get up at least by 8:30am; (productivity over slumbility, that's just a meting) but now it was out of the question, with two alarms by my head eye slept through every quarter reminder for two hours straight.

no more. me + pills need a break. because as eye see it this was a "trial" and eyem no guinea pig & eye was due an update with my individual psychiatrist to get the real shpill and solution. this was scheduled for yesterday. what did eye get? another "checker upper" who would not be my individual psychiatrist, an African American woman who looked at me as if eye was wasting her time. when all she did was ask me if eye was still taking the prescription & grunted when eye probed about disability, "your 27 why would you want to apply for disability?" *type type type* eyem going to confidently blame it on her AKA portrait hanging proudly in her office lmao. like does she know how many women suffer? does she know how many black women suffer in silence? does she know how a majority of our community sees us members of Greekdom and why this show of affiliation could be truly detrimental in patients wanting to openly share what's ailing them? 

HIGHLY disappointed, by her lack of professionalism. even more disgusted as eye was told eye would have to wait another four weeks before seeing my "real" individual psychiatrist. how fun this will be with holidays coming up again and delaying the process even more..... 

the silver lining however, the heroes that have shown themselves during such a dreary period for me && this is what eye try to keep my focus on. my fairy 2nd parents, Nikki & Greg, who are truly like modern day BOSSES to me & have made many things much better (as always). in the midst of a mental storm AND a financial drought, they have given me love and support that eye could've never imagined if eye was Salvador Dali himself. the love and support needed to redirect myself, and build the confidence in myself to know that this is only TEMPORARY!! for them eye push on, but most importantly, for myself.

eye see a WHOLE new meh, like *go Queen* *yes Queen* *eye see you Boo ah ah (in my Cardi B voice* eyem striving for a much better wombman eye knew eye could be deep down! to fight the stigma, to fight the thoughts of opinions, to fight the process, to fight the downs, to fight the doubt, to fight the idea that medicine is more effective than self-awareness WOOO if eye had ever thought of myself as a fighter before this process has shown meh that eye am much more of a Gladiator Goddess lol and eye look forward to this triumphant victory as eye see all it has in store for the new She.

to all my people & eye mean ALL my people, don't fight your fight alone. eye will add that the strength you find in yourself is a huge part in this process, & no one can tell you what's right for you but you; consider the resources available as buffers to getting you back on that right path. a friend once told me as eye took pride in talking to myself lol, "how can you get other ideas if you're only reflecting with yourself"

eyem thankful. eyem grateful. eyem loved & protected. eyem healing.


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